


Where The Heart Is

by KCgirl



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-01-23 18:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1575125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KCgirl/pseuds/KCgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Spock celebrate their first Christmas together since bonding. Spock tries to make it a romantic and festive occassion, but old memories intrude on the couple's happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Spock took a deep breath and surveyed his work. Candles were lit throughout the darkened room, and there was soft music in the background. He had spent a large number of credits on the wine that was chilling on the corner table, but it was the best accompaniment to the strawberries that sat nearby. Lastly, there was a perfectly wrapped gift on the bed. The light caught the design in the silver paper making it seem to glow.

With a last glance at his preparations, the Vulcan allowed himself a feeling of satisfaction before he turned on his heel to head to the rec room where the ship's holiday party was well underway. He knew Jim would be surprised to see him, especially since Spock had begged off, claiming that he had some experiments that needed completion.

Just as the doors of his quarters slid open, the comm unit on the table beeped, signaling an incoming call.

Spock forced a breath out of his nose, and pushed down the feeling of irritation that welled up in his chest.

He turned and strode quickly to the comm, his eyebrows rising in surprise when he saw the identity of the caller. He quickly commanded the computer to adjust the lighting in the room before answering the call.

"Good evening Father."

The image of Ambassador Sarek's face appeared on screen, and Spock noted that his father looked even older than he had the last time they had spoken.

"Hello my Son. I hope I have not disturbed you. I realize the hour is late."

"Not at all. I am always pleased to hear from you."

Since the destruction of his home planet 18 months prior, Spock and his father had been in frequent contact. At present they spoke on at least a weekly basis.

"I wanted to speak with you before your shore leave begins tomorrow."

Spock nodded. "We will be off duty, but Jim and I have no plans to leave the ship at present."

"None?"

Spock shook his head. "Jim has decided not to visit his mother in Iowa. He feels it would be more relaxing to remain here, and I do not disagree."

"I see. I am hoping that you and James will be able to make a visit to New Vulcan in the near future. Perhaps in April for your mother's birthday?"

Spock did not smile, but his eyes softened as he looked at his father. Even after almost two years, Sarek still battled loneliness. Admitting to these feeling went against his Vulcan nature, but that did not make them any less painful.

After almost losing Jim himself, and now being able to express his love to the man who was his T'hy'la, Spock had a new understanding of what his father must be going through.

"I am sorry that I cannot be with you at this time Father."

Sarek shook his head and made a dismissive motion with his hand. "It was always your mother who made something of this holiday, as you know."

"Yes, and it is at this time that I feel her absence most keenly."

Sarek gazed at his son through the screen but his damp eyes had a faraway look.

"I find myself recalling her insistence that we have some sort of Christmas Tree each year when you were young. I thought the idea very frivolous at the time, especially given that we lived on a desert plant, but..."

"It was something that made her very happy."

"Yes." Sarek took a deep breath, as if to steady himself.

"And what of you and James? How will you be keeping the day this year?"

"Quietly, which I prefer. Although Jim did organize a holiday party for the crew. I'm sure he is over indulging as we speak."

Sarek sat up a bit straighter. "Why did you not say something Spock? I should not have kept you, you should be there as well."

Spock tilted his head, surprised at his father's insistent tone. The man had seemed very...emotional...lately, for lack of a better word.

Sarek sighed when his son did not reply.

"Forgive me Spock, I am very glad we were able to speak this evening, but I do not want you to miss an opportunity to spend time with James, and your shipmates."

"Thank you Father, but I'm sure the party will continue several more hours. I have adequate time to partake in the festivities."

Sarek glanced down momentarily, and the corners of his mouth tilted up slightly in the ghost of a smile.

"Time my son, is something that passes very quickly. When it comes to those that we cherish, you may find that there is never enough of it."

 

Leaning back in the chair with a contented sigh, Jim looked around the rec room from his vantage point in the corner.

For a party that had been thrown together at the last minute, it had come together really well. The decorations were festive, but not cheesy, and the h'or doevers he'd chosen (with Uhura's help) were really pretty good. He gave himself extra props for the Hanukkah display in the opposite corner, complete with kosher foods for Pavel. Scotty and Bones were enjoying the hot cider, which was certainly spiked by now. All in all, a very nice way to start the holiday season before the crew went planetside for a month of shore leave.

"Hey Captain." Sulu greeted him with a smile, as he entered the room.

"Hey Sulu. How's things on the bridge?"

"Boring. I heard the food was pretty good, is there anything left?"

Jim was about to answer when someone else spoke up for him.

"Hikaru, vhere have you been?" Pavel questioned his other half with a slightly exasperated tone.

"I told you I'd be here as soon I ended my shift."

"Come see ze sufganiyot. You have to have some." Pavel took hold of his hand and Sulu waived to the captain as he was pulled away. Jim chuckled, a feeling of fondness for the younger couple washing over him.

"You gonna join the party, or just sit here daydreaming all night?"

Jim smiled at his CMO's gruff tone. He could even make having a good time sound like it was a pain in the ass.

"I'm relaxing. Isn't that what you're always after me to do? Slow down, calm down...now I'm doing it and your still pissed at me."

Leonard sat down in the chair opposite his best friend and managed to grin. "No I'm not Jim. You did all of this for the crew. I just want you to enjoy it."

" I am." Jim sat up and put his elbows on the table. "It's just...been a long time since I spent the holidays like this."

"Me too." McCoy admitted.

"It's feels...wrong." Jim screwed up his face, realizing how that sounded.

"So many years I just ignored Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now I'm spending them around people that actually matter to me, and I don't know what to do with myself."

Jim glanced up at Bones, waiting for the older man to impart some words of wisdom hidden in a mixed metaphor, but his friend wasn't even looking at him. Kirk followed his gaze to the doors of the rec room, just opening to reveal another party guest.

The newcomer's eyes landed on their table in that same instant.

"Hey!" she smiled at McCoy and Jim watched as his best friend blushed.

"Hey yourself." he replied.

It wasn't until she was standing with a hand on McCoy's shoulder that Uhura noticed her Captain.

"Hi Jim. Looks like we got a great turn out, huh?" She smiled down at McCoy again, who hadn't taken his eyes off of her since she walked in the room. Jim suddenly wondered if Bones had always had a thing for his communications officer, or if this had only developed after she and Spock broke up.

"Couldn't have done it without you Uhura. Everything turned out great."

"So, Doctor McCoy." Nyota winked at the man whose hand rested possessively at her waist. "Can I buy you a drink?"

Bones stood up and took her hand in his. "I'd love one." The pair started to walk away, when he turned around and smiled at Jim.

"Come on kid, I think you need one too."

For the next 45 minutes, Jim ate, drank and laughed. He even sang a carol or two with Nyota, who was shocked to hear that her commanding officer had an amazingly good singing voice.

Finally at 2200 hours he made his rounds to say good night, telling everyone to stay and enjoy the party and wishing them all a happy and safe holiday.

"Leaving so soon Jim?" McCoy left Nyota's side as she chatted with Nurse Chapel, to follow after the captain.

"Yeah, I'm beat. Figured I'd catch up on some shuteye since I don't have any plans tomorrow."

"So you're not making a trip to Riverside?"

"She hasn't called me in almost 4 months, Bones. I'm not going to make nice now just so I can have somewhere to go for holidays. Besides, it's not like that town puts me in the Christmas mood."

"Sorry kid."

"Give Joanna a kiss for me when you guys get there tomorrow."

"We will."

"You packed that present I got for her, right?"

Leonard nodded. "Ny has it all ready to go."

He was excited about taking Nyota to Georgia to meet his daughter, but he had to admit, he was nervous too. Things had gone so well over the last few months for them, he didn't want anything to change that.

"Don't worry, " Jim said, as though he was reading his mind. "It'll be fine."

Leonard smiled, and patted his friend on the back.

"You'll be fine too Jim. It'll be good for you and Spock to have some time to yourselves."

As if on queue, the doors to the rec room opened, and Spock walked in. Jim glanced up in surprise. The Vulcan almost appeared rushed, his bangs slightly disheveled in his haste.

"Hey," Jim's eyes lit up at the sight of his first officer. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed him tonight until now.

"My apologies Jim. I had hoped to be here sooner but..."

"It's alright, Jim assured him. "You said you had some projects to finish so I wasn't expecting you."

Jim took a step closer to Spock, and McCoy didn't miss the soft look in the Vulcan's eyes. He was getting pretty good at reading the hobgoblin if he did say so himself.

"Well," the CMO cleared his throat. "Now that you don't need a babysitter I'll get back to my date." He winked at the pair and went off to fetch another beverage.

"You want to stay and have something..."

Spock shook his head, "Actually, I was hoping you would accompany me back to our quarters. There are some things I wish to discuss with you."

"Alright." Jim sighed, wondering if Spock was going to be as preoccupied with ships business as he had been the last couple weeks.

Between working some opposite shifts to fill in for crewman that had left early for their shore leave, and his mounting duties as Science Officer, it seemed that Spock was even busier than he, and Jim was the captain!

When they exited the rec room and he felt Spock's hand against the small of his back, Jim felt a glimmer of hope that maybe they would be talking about something other than the Enterprise.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim reacts to Spock's surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that after this chapter, Jim will begin dealing with some demons, and there will be some mention of his past child abuse. Don't worry, Spock and Bones will make it better!

Jim entered the code to the quarters that they shared and Spock stepped back, allowing the younger man to enter first. It took a couple of steps before anything really registered for Kirk, then he stopped, his mouth open in shock.

He took in the candles and the sound of the music and did a slow 180 to face Spock. He closed his mouth and then opened it again.

"Um..." Nothing else came out.

The Vulcan noticed the way Jim's beautiful eyes sparkle in the candlelight, and made a mental note to purchase more candles as soon as possible.

Jim turned around again, and noticed the wine in the corner. He walked over and let his fingers brush against the chilled bottle, as if making sure it was real.

"I thought you had to work in the lab tonight."

"I did for a short time." Spock acquiesced. He watched as Jim caught sight of the gift on the bed. The Vulcan stepped forward suddenly and picked it up, turning to the man that he loved.

"Merry Christmas Jim."

Jim stood frozen to the spot, seemingly hypnotized by Spock's dark eyes as they glowed in the candlelight.

As his gaze moved to the gift that Spock offered him, his eyes widened in shock. There was a small Christmas tree right next to the nightstand beside their bed.

Jim's eyes instantly filled with tears. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but let out a strangled sob instead.

Spock reached for him, a hand on his arm. "Jim..."

The Vulcan's tone belied his concern. This reaction is not at all what he had expected.

Kirk shook his head almost violently taking a step closer to the Christmas tree. There was even a gold star on the top.

"Jim I did not mean to upset you, I thought..."

The blonde man shook his head again, doing nothing to stop the tears that ran down his cheeks.

"N..no...I'm not...you di..." he hicupped, and wiped at his cheeks, before turning back to Spock.

"You...you did all this...for me?" The incredulity in his voice made Spock's chest hurt. It was as though he did not think himself worthy of any consideration at all.

Spock tilted his head to the side in the way that only he could, his brows knitted in confusion.

"Of course Jim. I wanted to make you happy."

It seemed Spock was watching his lover in slow motion. He saw the change in Jim's expression as his words registered in his captain's mind. His beautiful blue eyes filled with emotion, and fresh tears. He seemed to slowly crumple, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs.

Spock reached out and pulled him close, bearing Jim's weight against his chest. He felt Jim wrap his arms around his waist and pull him even closer.

"Please do not cry."

Spock whispered the words into Jim's hair, placing a soft kiss on top of his head. Jim still held on to him for dear life.

"I'm sorry." Jim hiccuped again, drawing a shaky breath.

Spock stepped back, his hands on Jim's shoulders, and and tried to look him in the eye. Jim would not meet his gaze.

"If you do not like the tree..."

"N...no...I love it." Jim's voice caught on the last word, as he stole another glance at the decorated tree.

Spock looked at him in confusion. He had never understood the human tendency to cry with happiness. At least he hoped these were happy tears.

"It's uh...I never..." Jim cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed to talk about his laughingly dysfunctional childhood.

"Jim?" Spock could feel Jim close off from him, and feared that he had somehow caused his bondmate pain in his attempt to celebrate this holiday.

"I've never had one before."

Jim's voice was so quiet that if not for his keen Vulcan hearing, Spock would not have heard it. To say that he was shocked by this information would have been quite an understatement.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock talk, and Jim gets an unexpected call.

Jim finally glanced at Spock, and then quickly turned away, but the Vulcan had already seen it.

Jim was ashamed.

Spock felt a sharp surge of anger toward whatever person, or circumstance had caused his Thy'la feel this way. He was also unable to fathom the workings of a universe, where he, a child of Vulcan, had grown up with such a basic tradition of Yuletide, and yet Jim Kirk, who came from a background of Judeo-Christian beliefs, had not.

"I've seen a picture of my older brother and me, standing next to a tree one year, but I don't remember it. That was the Christmas before my mom remarried."

Jim's tone was flat as he ran a hand over the foiled paper that wrapped his gift.

"I take it your step-father did not celebrate this holiday."

Spock chided himself inwardly as he spoke. Clearly he had stated the obvious, but at the moment, the need to say something, anything was overwhelming.

"He's not really a festive guy. My mom was off-planet most of the time anyway. Made things a lot easier to just give in and do things his way."

Jim's thoughts were obviously far away as he carefully laid the package back on their bed. He hesitated a moment and looked over a Spock, now with that defiant glint that the First Officer had come to know very well.

"Of course...you know how much I love to test boundaries."

Spock realized immediately that they were no longer simply talking about Christmas trees.

They had only ever spoken in generalities about the captain's childhood. Even after their bonding ceremony a few months ago, Jim kept much of that part of himself shielded from Spock.

The Vulcan wished fervently that Jim would open up and show him even the darkest parts of himself, but trust was a very fragile thing. He hoped that Jim would come to him with these things when he was ready to do so.

"I know that he hurt you Jim."

The younger man looked at Spock, with a pained expression on his face, his emotions just barely under control.

"Yeah."

The pair looked at each other for a long moment, and then Jim let out a breath, seeming to deflate just a bit. Spock thought he looked very tired.

"If you ever need..." Spock's statement was interupted by the buzzing of the comm.

"Saved by the bell." Kirk winked at his lover, his familiar method of deflecting attention with humor firmly in place.

Spock glanced at the comm, and was surprised for the second time that evening.

Jim saw the shock flicker across the Vulcan's face and suddenly felt a pit in his stomach.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"It is your mother, Jim."

Kirk's mouth dropped open, and before he could even move, Spock pressed a button on the device.

"This Commander Spock."

Winona Kirk blinked at the Vulcan for a moment. "May I speak with my son please?"

Spock's face was an emotionless mask as he stared back at the blonde woman on the screen.

Vulcans did not hate. Hate was an emotion. S'chn T'gai Spock however, was half-human, and he could say with complete honesty, that at this moment, he hated Wynona Kirk.

"Just a moment please. I will see if he is available." Winona's annoyed sigh was cut short when Spock pushed the hold button on the comm.

Jim closed his eyes and let out another breath, trying to pull himself together. He felt himself reaching emotional overload, and that was not a good place to be when you were Jim Kirk.

"I can tell her that you are not here, Jim."

Kirk smiled sadly at tall dark-haired man that he loved so much. "Vulcan's cannot lie, Spock."

"Walk out the door, and I will be telling the truth."

Jim let out a small laugh, feeling a heaviness in his chest. "It's alright. I'll talk to her."

Spock dropped his head in acceptance. "Very well. I will give you some privacy."

He rounded the table, and as he passed by, allowed his fingers to brush against Jim's hand. Jim reached out and grabbed Spock's long fingers, squeezing tightly.

After only a moment, he let go, and did not turn around as the door to their quarters hissed open, and then closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose not play up the idea of a telepathic bond between Jim and Spock, although I do think it's there. I just wasn't sure I'd be able to do it justice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you can't go home again...

Kirk made his way over to the comm station and sat down. He took a breath and let it out, reminding himself that he had faced Nero, Klingons, and Khan, and lived to tell about it.

"It's just a phone call, no big deal." he reminded himself as he pressed the button.

"Hi Mom."

Winona was reading something and glanced up as soon as she heard Jim's voice.

"Jim," she smiled. "I was beginning to wonder if you were going to answer at all."

"Here I am."

Jim opened his arms wide and smiled back. That dazzling smile that he used to charm any and all who crossed his path. The 'fake it til you make it' grin that gave him time to work out his next move.

"Does he answer your calls often?" Wynona wrinkled her nose, and put a slight emphasis on the word 'he'.

"He who? Spock?"

His mother simply looked at him.

"We share the same quarters Mom." Jim shrugged.

"Hmm."

"What?"

Jim tapped his foot under the table, and heard the note of annoyance that had crept into his voice. If nothing else this just proved that not going home for Christmas was a good idea.

When his mother didn't immediately answer, Jim continued. "We're legally married, Mom. It's all above-board. Everyone knows about it."

"He's your First Officer Jim. That goes against..."

"We are also the best command team in the Federation. Save a planet or two and people tend to let regulations slide."

"Well, I just hope it all works out. I'm surprised that Starfleet doesn't have a problem with..."

"Do you have a problem with it?" Jim leaned forward slightly, pinning his mother with his gaze through the screen.

"Me?" Winona sounded affronted by the question.

"You haven't called me once since I told you we were bonded. No card, no wedding gift..."

"Jim, you know my new position has been keeping my very busy."

"Just like always, huh?"

Winona ignored that remark. She did know her son well enough to know when he was trying to goad her into an argument.

"Actually, I called to find out what your plans are for the holidays. Do you have any time off coming up?"

Jim was silent for a moment, thinking. To lie or not to lie.

Unlike his mate, Jim was not Vulcan, and he had no problem at all with untruths, especially in this situation. But, for whatever reason, he decided to go with honesty.

"Actually, I have about a month of shore leave starting tomorrow." He watched the surprised look spread across her face.

"Tomorrow? Are you at Starbase 1?"

"Yep."

"Oh Jimmy that's wonderful! It will be so lovely to see you..."

"I'm not coming home Mom. Not this time. Spock and I are just going to stay here and relax."

"Not coming home? That's ridiculous...Christmas is next week."

"I know. We'll be fine. I just want to take some time and decompress."

Winona looked at her son with a mixture of disbelief and disappointment, and Jim found himself surprised.

Had she really thought he was going to come home for Christmas? Did she really want him to? Jim pushed that thought aside as he looked at her, his foot still tapping nervously on the floor.

"Jimmy, you can't spend Christmas alone."

Jim glanced down at his hand that was fiddling with a stylus on the table, as conflicting emotions flowed through him. For some reason, hearing her call him Jimmy, like he was still six years old, was equivalent to hearing fingernails down an old-fashioned chalk board.

"I'm not alone. I'll be spending the holiday with Spock."

Winona laughed derisively. "Christmas with a Vulcan? That's got to be about as festive as..."

"About as festive as spending it with Frank?" Jim glared at her, as the tenuous control he had on himself started to slip.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't remember Frank being big on the holidays. Have things changed?"

Winona saw the fire in her younger son's eyes and sat up straight.

"I didn't call to fight with you. We haven't spoken in weeks and I thought..."

"Do you really want me to come home Mom?"

"Of course I do. I want us to spend some time together."

"I can throw some stuff in a duffle bag and be there day after tomorrow." Jim watched her expression carefully.

"Really?" Winona smiled once more.

"Sure," Jim shrugged casually. "We'll stay a couple of days and then head back to the ship."

"We?" Wynona's brow knitted in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Me and Spock. He's been asking about where I grew up..."

Now it was Winona's turn to fidget nervously. "Jim, I don't know it would be a good idea to bring..."

Jim waited, and his mother glanced up at the screen, not finishing her sentence.

"My husband? My spouse? My significant other...bondmate..."

"That's enough Jimmy. You've made you point." Winona's blue eyes were icy now.

"You could also just go with his name. Spock." Jim stared back at her defiantly.

"If it were just me, there would not be a problem, but I don't think it would be a good idea considering the circumstances."

"You mean the fact that you're married to a xenophobic asshole?"

"I was going to ask how you're doing, but clearly you're not doing well, considering how antagonistic you're being."

"Wow. You really are amazing." Jim shook his head in disbelief. No matter what the situation, somehow, it was always his fault. Always.

"This is why I don't call you Jim. Every time I try to talk to you you're belligerent, antagonistic...just plain nasty." Wynona shook her head. "I just don't understand it."

Jim looked at her, and found that he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming. How could a woman that was obviously intelligent be so fucking stupid?

"Is that why you didn't come see me in the hospital?" Jim asked, his voice coming out much quieter than he had intended.

"I did come see you." Winona countered.

"I was in the hospital at Berkley for 3 months Mom. Three months and you came to see me once."

Jim felt the tears burn behind his eyes and blinked furiously. What the hell was wrong with him? He was not going to start crying again.

"Jimmy I had..."

"God, will you please stop calling me that! I'm not a little boy anymore!"

Winona jumped slightly when he barked at her, surprised at the anger in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

Jim glanced at her. She sounded like she really meant it.

The older woman took a deep breath and spoke again"No matter how old you are Jim, you're still my son. Until you have children of your own, you won't understand what it's like to see your child like that. To know that they're hurt and that there's nothing you can do for them."

Jim saw her hand reach forward, as if, had he been across the table from her, she would have taken his hand.

"Is that why you stayed away? Because it was so hard to come back to us and see how much we needed you?" Jim felt a tear escape and wiped at it furiously.

"Jim. I had a job. After we lost your father, I had to do the best I could to keep our family together. I know I should have been there more, but you don't understand what it was like."

Jim watched as his mother's face changed, and he could see the anger and hurt that she had lived with for a very long time. For many years, he'd tried to do,or be, or say, whatever he thought she needed to take that pain away.

Of course, nothing he did was ever enough, so eventually he stopped trying, and started acting out instead. Being a juvenile delinquent got him a lot more attention, even if it did nothing to lessen the pain that he was dealing with.

These days, he had plenty to keep him busy, and his presence here actually mattered. It made a difference. These people thought he was good enough. Eventually, he'd started to believe it too.

After a moment, he realized that his mother had asked him a question, but the actual words had not registered. She stared at him, with a look of concern.

Jim realized he was gripping the table so hard that his hand ached. He had to get out of here. Right now.

"I have to go."

"Jim, wait a minute.."

"No, I have to go now." He pressed the botton in front of him to end the transmission, and got up so quickly from the table that the chair fell over behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock turns to his friends for some help with Jim

"I figured day after tomorrow we can get some food in the house, and air it out a little before we pick up Joanna. We need to get a tree...she's gonna love helping with that."

Leonard smiled as he sat next to Nyota, watching the party wind down. His eyes positively twinkled with excitement thinking of his little girl, and Nyota smiled to herself, feeling her heart about to burst. They say love comes along when you least expect it. She'd never believed that until now.

"You still with me darlin'?"

Nyota turned to him and blinked. "Sure. You were saying we'd have to go shopping before we pick up Joanna."

"Uh huh." Leonard nodded, wondering what had happened to deflate her happy mood.

"You're not gettin' cold feet are you?"

Nyota's well-manicured brows knitted in confusion. "Cold feet about what?"

"Spending a month on land with a crabby old country doctor."

Nyota's mouth twitched for a moment before she looked at him seriously.

"You must have me confused with someone else Dr. McCoy. I'm spending my month with an amazing, really hot doctor, who..."

McCoy began to laugh at her description, and Nyota held up her hand to silence him.

"who can sometimes be a bit brooding."

"Brooding? That's what you're calling it?" he grinned.

"Did I mention he was hot, and really wonderful to be around, once you get past the cranky thing?"

McCoy smiled and pulled her forward for a kiss. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

Nyota let him pull her close and nuzzle her neck. "What if she doesn't like me?" she asked quietly.

"Hmm?" Len leaned back to look at her.

"Joanna. What if..."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Is that what you're worried about? Nyota, she's gonna love you. Trust me."

"I hope so."

"I know so." McCoy leaned in close and kissed her nose.

Loving this woman was turning him into a complete marshmallow, but he just couldn't help himself.

"What do you say we blow this popsicle stand and get to bed. Tomorrow's gonna be here awful early."

Nyota allowed the doctor to pull out her chair and she took his arm. "It's not that late." she commented with a sidelong glance.

"Well then, let's get out of here and see how much trouble we can get into..."

Leonard leaned down to for another kiss and as the pair walked through the door of the rec room, they ran into Spock. Literally.

"Watch where you're..oh, sorry Spock." McCoy stepped back from the Vulcan, slightly embarrassed.

"My apologies Doctor. I was distracted."

Nyota eyed her friend and could tell something was amiss. "You Ok?"

The Vulcan sighed, as if admitting defeat. "I must admit, I am not. May I speak with you for a moment?"

Leonard looked from his girlfriend to the First Officer, and realized his plans for fun the rest of the night had just gone down the tubes.

"I'll wait up for you." he told Nyota. "I need to finish packing anyway."

"Actually Doctor McCoy, I would like to speak to both of you. This matter pertains to Jim."

"What happened?" McCoy's tone turned serious at the mention of his best friend.

"I fear I have made a grave error." Spock stated.

McCoy blinked at him, as if he's spoken in Vulcan rather than standard. After a moment or two, the words seemed to sink in.

"You...made a mistake?"

Spock nodded in silence.

McCoy clapped his hands together, a little too gleefully. "Sounds like Christmas has come early for me."

He motioned toward the doorway that was now closed, as Nyota rolled her eyes.

"Lead the way Commander!"

"You got him a Christmas tree too?" McCoy repeated. "Wow. That's really...sweet Spock." There was no other word to describe it.

The Vulcan nodded. "I had hoped he would be pleasantly surprised."

"I take it that wasn't the case." Nyota replied cautiously.

"No."

McCoy leaned forward, obviously frustrated. "Don't make us play twenty questions, Spock! What the hell happened?"

"I believe he was already emotionally compromised when he entered our quarters and saw the...preparations I had undertaken. When he saw the tree...he began to cry."

"Oh. Poor Jim." Nyota covered her mouth with her hand as she started to tear up herself.

McCoy let out a heavy sigh. "I hate the holidays!" he grumbled.

Nyota slapped him on the arm and he straightened up, starting to back-peddle.

"I mean...listen Spock, you may not understand...it's a human thing but..."

"Please remember Doctor McCoy that my mother was human. We celebrated this holiday in my home for many years. Of all the Terran holidays, this was her favorite."

McCoy felt himself blush, and glanced at Nyota, who arched a brow at him. Damn, he could be an idot!

"Sorry Spock, I didn't mean..."

"This time of year makes some people really emotional Spock." Nyota smiled gently and laid a hand on the Vulcan's arm.

"I know you don't do emotional very well but...these holidays bring up a lot of memories for people. Some wonderful, and some, not so good."

"I am aware." Spock answered quietly.

"What you did for Jim was wonderful. I'm sure he loved it, but, maybe it just took him by surprise. He'll be fine."

Spock nodded his understanding. "Unfortunately, that is not all that I have to discuss."

"I can already tell this isn't gonna be good." McCoy said.

""Jim's mother called."

"His mother?" McCoy asked the question, his eyes wide with shock.

"Affirmative."

"Holy shit...how'd he take it?"

Leonard had lived with and around Jim long enough to know that his relationship with his mother was tenuous at best. He also had enough of a psych background to know that about ninety percent of Jim's "issues" started with Wynona Kirk.

"I actually answered the call."

McCoy snorted in distaste. "You should have told that bitch to stick a candy cane up..."

"Len!"

"I did urge Jim to forgo speaking with her, but..."

"Don't feel bad Spock. You know the kid never heeds good advice."

Nyota shook her head. "Has she even talked to him at all since..." she didn't want to reference her Captain's "death" so she let the end of the sentence hang in the air.

"Jim contacted her when he was released from the hospital, just prior to our bonding ceremony."

Spock's shoulders slumped in defeat as he sat, looking back and forth between his two friends. The worry that he was experiencing was clear in his eyes.

"I can go talk to him if you want." McCoy offered.

"Thank you." Spock said softly.

"It's gonna be alright Spock. You didn't do anything wrong."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones is a shoulder to lean on for his best friend, and he offers some advice.

McCoy rounded the corner on the way to the officer’s quarters, and saw Jim heading quickly in the other direction.

“Hey Jim!” he called.

The young captain faltered momentarily at the sound of a familiar voice, but rather than stopping to speak to his friend, he kept going. So quickly in fact that the CMO had to run to catch up with him.

“Jesus Kid, where’s the fire?”

Still silent, Kirk kept walking until he reached the turbolift, smacking the button on the wall with his hand.

“Can we talk for a minute?” McCoy asked, trying again.

“I’m done talking Bones.” The turbolift door opened and Jim stepped inside, McCoy at his heals.

“What are you doing here anyway?” Kirk asked. “Shouldn’t you and Uhura be lounging under the mistletoe somewhere?”

“I could ask you the same question. What happened to relaxing?”

Jim shrugged as the turbolift opened right outside of the ship’s gym.

Thirty minutes later he was dripping with sweat, having beat the crap out a punching bag. 

McCoy shook his head and handed Kirk a water bottle.

“Hell of a way to start your shore leave.” he commented.

“What do you want Bones?” Jim asked, finally catching his breath.

“Heard you got an unexpected comm call.”

Jim’s head snapped up in surprise, an angry look on his face, but still he said nothing.

“Dammit Jim, what are you doin’ down here by yourself?”

“Dealing with my anger.” 

Kirk said the phrase as if he was reciting it out of text book, or perhaps repeating something that another doctor had used in his past. 

“Figured this was a better idea than punching a hole in the wall.”

McCoy sighed, at a loss as to how to help his friend.

“What do you say we go grab a drink?” he finally offered.

“I’ll buy.” Kirk joked. “Consider it a Christmas present.”

The pair ended up in McCoy’s quarters, which obviously hadn’t been lived in lately. The doctor rummaged around in a cabinet over his bed and pulled out an ornate looking bottle.

“My best Saurian brandy.” he declared.

“Awesome.” Jim held out his hand for the glass that McCoy filled to the halfway mark.

“Cheers.” the friends clinked glasses in a salute to one another, and were silent for a moment.

“Are you nervous about your trip to Atlanta?” Jim asked. 

“Maybe a little.” McCoy shrugged. “Just hope my two girls will love each other as much as I think they will.”

“It’ll be great Bones, you’ll see.”

Jim smiled and took another sip of his drink. Suddenly he wondered what the hell he was doing here. Bones should be with Uhura and he should be with Spock. Once again, he’d managed to screw something up.

“If you’d have told me a year ago I’d be where I am right now, I would’ve had you committed. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?” McCoy smiled and watched his friend’s face. He saw almost a haunted look in Jim’s blue eyes.

“Yeah.” Kirk’s answer was barely audible. All of the adrenaline he’d felt early was gone now.

“If you ask me, we’re both pretty lucky.” The older man swirled the liquid in his glass. 

“Did he tell you he got me a Christmas tree?” 

Jim spoke the sentence as if the two of them had been discussing Spock, and the events of the evening all along.

McCoy simply nodded, waiting for his friend to continue.

“It’s decorated and everything. He had all these candles...and I ruined it.”

“How’s that?” Leonard asked. 

“Because I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence. I just stood there like an idiot. I didn’t even say thank you.”

“Score one for the Vulcan, rendering you speechless.” McCoy chuckled at his joke, but Kirk continued unfazed. 

“I mean, once you explain how you were the kid whose alcoholic step father never even acknowledged Christmas, it kinda puts a damper on the moment, you know?”

Kirk ran a hand over his face, and stared at the glass in his hand. “Then my mother called, which, was really perfect timing considering where the conversation was going.”

“How much have you told Spock about you and your mom?”

Jim sat silently, his lips set in a stubborn line

“You’ve got to open up to him about it sometime Jim...”

“I can’t talk to him about any of that.” Kirk finally answered.

“You’re married to him Jim. Take it from somebody who’s been there. If you don’t...”

“I don’t want him to know!” Jim finally yelled. 

McCoy was stunned into silence. Jim was private about his life before he’d entered Starfleet for sure, but with Spock? The two of them hardly ever left each other’s side for God’s sake. Plus, that had that mental bond thing. It didn’t make any sense.

“I don’t want him to know what a fuck up I am...or, was.” Kirk looked down, obviously embarrassed by this whole situation.

“How can you possibly keep it from him? Don’t you have some sort of telepathic bond?”

“There’s a way to shield yourself. Parts of yourself.”

“So, what...you’re gonna spend the rest of your life NOT telling Spock about your childhood?”

Kirk shrugged, realizing the idea sounded even more ridiculous when put into words, than it had in his head.

“I can’t believe I’m actually gonna say this Jim, but...that’s really very illogical.” McCoy cringed at the phrase.

“I can’t do it Bones.”

“What is it your so afraid of?”

Jim shook his head, staying silent. He realized he was being ridiculous, but he could feel himself losing control of his emotions, and he didn’t want to cry again. 

McCoy stood up from his seat, realizing he was not going to make anymore progress with Jim tonight. 

“You know Spock’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” McCoy observed.

“Yeah.”

“And if you ever tell him I said that I’ll have to kill you.”

Jim smiled, his first smile since McCoy had caught him racing toward the turbolift.

“Spock loves you Jim. Give him a chance to show it.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim finally begins to open up to Spock about his past.

The doors to McCoy’s quarters opened, and captain and doctor walked out into the corridor. Coming down the hall at a determined pace, was Commander Spock. 

‘Uh-oh’, Jim thought. ‘Time for the shit to hit the fan.’

Spock stopped in front of the pair, wearing an expression somewhere between surprise and relief.

“Jim.” He looked over his bondmate, as though he was checking for injuries.

“Hey Spock.” Jim glanced at McCoy, but the CMO kept a neutral gaze straight ahead.

“I returned to our quarters and you were not there. I checked the gymnasium, as that is where you normally retreat to when you are upset.”

“Yeah.” Jim cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, nervously. “I was there for a bit. Just decided to have a talk with Bones for awhile.”

Spock nodded to the doctor, who acknowledged the Vulcan silently.

Kirk looked back and forth between the two of them, feeling like a disobedient child caught by his parents. He was used to the two of them insulting each other. Civility between them threw him off balance.

“Do you require more time to yourself?” Spock asked getting the Captain’s attention.

Kirk looked at him, not sure how to respond to Spock’s concern. 

He had expected a dressing down from the Vulcan, almost wanted it. Wasn’t anybody going to tell him that he was being overly dramatic? Maybe that he was behaving like an ass?

“Uh...no...I’m, I’m good, I guess.”

“That is not a clear answer Captain. Please elaborate.”  There it was. That exasperated, irritated tone that was almost comforting.

“I’m good Spock.” Kirk gave the Vulcan a small smile and without thinking, put a hand on his arm.

“Let’s go so Bones can get some sleep before he leaves tomorrow.”

“Have a good Christmas.” McCoy told them, giving the pair something between a smirk and a smile.

“And please, for the love of God and the sake of my sanity...stay out of trouble. I’d like to see you both in one piece when I get back.”

“Love you too Bones.” Jim called over his shoulder as he and Spock walked back to their quarters. 

The walk back, though short, was nerve wracking for Jim. McCoy was right. Spock deserved to know why he’d had a near breakdown at the site of a three-foot tall fake tree, and why a call from his own mother sent him into panic mode.

Jim knew that he handled problems well. He thrived in high-stress situations, no doubt thanks to the dysfunctional past that he tried to keep buried. If someone was hurt, or in trouble, especially someone that he cared about, Jim would move heaven and earth to help them. What he didn’t do, was handle his own stress. His own problems. Avoiding them and focusing on others was so much easier than dealing with himself. 

This time though, there was no getting around it. 

When they entered their quarters, Jim noticed the silence first. There was no music playing, as there had been earlier, and all of the candles had been extinguished. The chilled wine was nowhere to be seen, and the present that he’d laid on the bed was gone.

“I’m sorry.” he said quietly, turning to glance at the Vulcan who stood behind him.

Spock tilted his head at his captain obviously confused.

“All the trouble you went to tonight...”.

“I realize I may have made an error in not telling you what I had planned. You were not prepared.”

“That’s the whole point of a surprise though, isn’t it? Not knowing about it?” Kirk glanced away for a moment and then looked back at the man he had married just a few months ago.

“I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

Spock let out a sigh of his own this time.

“Jim, please refrain from blaming yourself. We have had very little time to ourselves of late, so you could not know that tonight would be any different. In addition, your mother’s call, after so many weeks, was not expected. As humans sometimes say “our timing was off.”

Jim did not answer, and instead, turned and glanced at the tree, which was decorated with gold and blue ornaments. He smiled, realizing the significance of the colors. Gold for him and blue for Spock. There was also a single silver ornament painted with the Starfleet insignia that they wore on their uniforms.

“You did a great job with the tree Spock. Did Nyota help you?”

“Negative.” came the reply. “My mother decorated a tree for our home every year until I left for Starfleet. I was always her designated helper for that task.”

Kirk looked back at him, obviously shocked. “You guys decorated for Christmas?”

“My mother was human Jim.” Spock did not try to hide the slight smirk in his expression.

“I know.”

Jim’s cheeks blushed with embarrassment. “I just...I guess I never thought about the fact that you would celebrate Terran holidays. Stupid, huh?”

“It is not stupid, Jim. This is the first Christmas we have celebrated together. I have never told you that I was familiar with these customs. How could you know that to be the case if we have not discussed it?”

Jim gave the tall dark-haired man a sad smile and sat down on their bed, suddenly looking nervous. 

“There are lots of things we haven’t discussed Spock.”

Jim glanced up at the Vulcan, his blue eyes wide and unsure, and Spock felt his heart clench. He wanted nothing more than to take away all of the pain that his Th’y’la was feeling. He knew that to be an impossible and illogical desire, but at the moment, he would have given anything to accomplish it.

Spock sat down next to Jim slowly, as though he was approaching a frightened animal. 

“I want you to know Jim, that you may talk to me about anything that you wish to...at any time.”

Kirk lowered his gaze to his hands clenched in his lap. He chewed on his lip in a manner that made him appear much younger than 27 years of age.

Spock continued in his efforts to put Jim at ease.

“Vulcans are taught to keep their own council in most situations, as you know. I am slowly learning the value of relying on others for support. I am sorry if I have not made you feel that I wish to support you in any way that I can.”

Jim blinked furiously, swallowing another lump in his throat. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” he whispered.

“Do what?” Spock reached over and put a hand on Jim’s knee, wishing to reassure him.

“Be so nice to me. Once you hear all of this, I’m afraid...” Jim shook his head and took a shaky breath.

“Ashayam...please speak to me.” Spock spoke softly, wondering how Jim could ever think his feelings could change.

“You know about my dad. Everybody does. I was supposed to be part of his legacy. The son that would carry on where he left off.”

“I would say you have gone beyond anything that your father could have wished for you.” Spock answered.

“Not before Chris Pike came along. He got me in to Starfleet. I never would’ve made it in if he hadn’t...swept some things under the rug.”

Spock’s brow furrowed in confusion. He had read Jim’s file as a cadet, and he knew that Jim had something of a “troubled” past, having been jailed on rare occasion for some minor offenses.

“I had a record Spock. I was ‘the only genius repeat-offender in the Midwest’. Jim smiled mirthlessly as he put air quotes around the phrase.

“I stole cars, got into more bar fights than I can remember. I got kicked out of high school at sixteen.” Jim stared straight ahead as he spoke, as though he was ticking down the list in his mind.

“I beat the shit out of my step dad a couple of times. He gave as good as he got though.”

Spock listened as Jim gave more examples of his offenses. Granted, he had not known that Jim had been in that much trouble when he was younger, but it was all in the past now. He did not understand why Jim thought this might affect their relationship.

“I know your step father was abusive.” 

“He’s an monster. You have no idea...” Jim just shook his head. He couldn’t go there yet.

“Why did your mother stay with him? I cannot imagine that someone would remain in such a situation when her children were being harmed. Surely she had resources...”

“She was never there Spock!” Kirk’s voice rose in anger so suddenly that Spock was startled. “She was never fucking there!”

“Was there no one that you could speak to, who would get in touch with her?”

“I would have paid for it. Believe me.” Kirk suddenly stood up, unable to stay still.

“I guess I shouldn’t have expected things to be any different once I got out on my own. I thought, maybe she’d see Frank for who he was, or at least, she could come visit me, now that I’m actually somebody. She didn’t even stay for half an hour after my captaincy ceremony.”

Spock sat on the bed, his stomach knotting at the sound of hopelessness in Jim’s voice.  
He easily recalled the festivities that day. Everyone in the crew had been there, and Captain Pike, who was actually acquainted with Jim’s mother, had been so proud to be the one to bestow the honor on Kirk.  
 Winona Kirk, however, had seemed very uncomfortable throughout the proceedings. She had congratulated her son, very briefly, spoken for a few moments with Captain Pike, and then she was gone. Spock had not inquired about it at the time, since he and Jim had not yet made their feelings know to each other.

“I do recall Dr McCoy having a few interesting words to say about her at the time.” Spock observed.

“Bones is not her favorite person either.” Jim smiled. “No love lost between them for sure.”

Jim was silent now, not sure how to continue.

“I knew that you and your mother were not extremely close, Jim, but I will admit it was surprising to me that she did not visit you more frequently when you were recuperating.

“You mean more than once?”

“Indeed.” Spock rose an eyebrow

“A therapist told me once that seeing me caused my mom anxiety.”

Spock’s brows knitted together in confusion. “For what reason?” 

“I know my parents really loved each other. At least, that’s what everyone always said.”

Kirk worried his bottom lip again, his hands behind his back as he stared out the window of their quarters, at the stars.

“My mom didn’t really talk about it but, I’ve heard that tape from the shuttle...the day I was born. It sounded like they were really devoted to one another.”

Spock stood up and walked to where Jim was now standing. He wanted to comfort his mate, but didn’t know how. 

“I look a lot like my dad. I used to wonder why that didn’t make her love me more...but, no matter what I did, she just stayed away” Kirk’s voice broke on the last word, and Spock reached for him.

At the brush of Spock’s fingers against his shoulder, Kirk turned and looked up at him. His lower lip quivered and his sky blue eyes were full of pain.

“Jim...” Spock stroked the younger man’s cheek with the pad of his thumb, and Jim fell against the Vulcan, sobbing. 

“I am so sorry.” Spock told him. It took Jim several moments before he could compose himself enough to speak.

“When she called tonight, she actually thought I would come home for the holiday.” Kirk pulled out of Spock’s embrace slightly, and wiped furiously at his running nose.  
 “Is that something you wish to do Jim?” Spock looked at him earnestly, eager to do anything that would bring his bondmate some peace.

“No...No!” Jim turned away suddenly, his body rigid with anger. “She doesn’t want me, she never has!”

“Jim, she is your mother. Quite obviously there are many issues...”

“What the hell do you know about it huh? You’re mother was a great woman...I mean, I didn’t exactly know her but...Nyota told me about her.” Kirk’s eyes were red and tearful. Spock could feel the anxiety coming from him in waves.

“She’d have to be a great woman, to live all those years on Vulcan...to have a son like you...not some delinquent who stumbled his way into Starfleet...”

Jim slumped against the wall behind him, overcome with emotion.

Spock stepped forward, gripping him by the shoulders to hold him up. The Vulcan could hardly stand seeing his bondmate like this. Where was the Jim who was so sure of himself? Who could face his greatest fears, and make his crew feel that they were capable of defeating impossible odds.

“Stop this Jim. You must stop this! Your mothers shortcomings are not yours. You are the brightest captain in all of starfleet. You do not believe in no-win scenarios...”

Spock had to bend down slightly to get Jim to look him in the eye. He repeated the last phrase in a hopeful tone, wanting Jim to hear the belief that Spock had in him, and make it his own again.

“But she didn’t love me Spock. My family didn’t want me...when I got in to the Academy I had to be better than everybody. I had to be smarter, and funnier, and I had to act like I didn’t give a shit what anybody thought...cause if they saw what I really was...” 

Spock pulled him close again, and hugged him tightly. He had always known that Jim’s bravado was a facade.  
As he came to know his captain, he found that it masked the sweet, unselfish, wonderful man who had sacrificed himself for his crew, for a city full of people he did not know. How could he not know how important he was?

“I just wanted somebody to notice me. I didn’t want him to be right” Jim hiccuped into Spock’s shoulder as he spoke.

“Who Jim?” Spock asked, his arms still wrapped around Kirk, almost holding him up.

“Frank.” Jim took another breath to steady himself twisted his fingers in the fabric of Spock’s shirt.

“He used to say that if I died nobody would even care. Nobody would notice that I was gone.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their talk continues, and Spock tries to assure Jim that he is very much loved.

Spock pulled back and looked at Jim in shock. Humans were indeed cruel creatures. Seeing the look in Jim’s eyes stirred something in Spock. Something primal, protective. 

“I would notice Jim.”

Kirk avoided the Vulcan’s gaze, but Spock continued to speak, nonetheless.

“I have already experienced your...absence...once. I can assure you it is not something I wish to survive again.”

Kirk smiled a bit sadly at that. “Thank you.”

Jim released his hold on his husband and turned to walk slowly to their bed.

“I can also assure you that you of primary importance to the crew of the Enterprise. If you continue to doubt this, I shall be forced to remind you of it on a daily basis, if necessary.”

Jim shook his head. “You amaze me Spock. You’re the only person I know who can make boosting somebody’s self confidence sound like a lecture.”

Spock sighed in frustration. He had meant to be comforting in this instance.

“It’s alright. I love you for trying to make me feel better.”

Spock sat down next to Jim, still sensing that he was struggling to come out of this strange state that he found himself in.

“I cherish thee, James. Nothing can or will change that.”

Kirk smiled again, taking a shaky breath. He had more to say, but didn’t know if he had the strength tonight to do it.

“I have also come to a conclusion.”

“Oh?” Jim looked up with mild interest. “What’s that?”

“If your mother calls in the future. I will be the one to speak with her.”

Jim raised an eyebrow, “Is that an order, Commander?”

“You are my mate, Jim. If interaction with your mother causes you this much unhappiness, I must do whatever necessary to protect you from it.”

Jim gazed at Spock, loving the dark-haired man with all of his heart. It was still a scary prospect loving someone this much. People that he loved didn’t usually stick around very long. He had tried to keep his distance from Spock, tried not to love him, but the feeling was something he could not deny.

He reached over and squeezed Spock’s hand, and the Vulcan intertwined their fingers. 

“I will not let them harm you Jim. I promise.”

“It’s not just them Spock.” Jim looked away then, knowing that his hand would probably be shaking if not for the fact that Spock was holding it.

Spock waited, but Jim didn’t continue. Spock sensed aprehension in his beloved Captain, and this...worried him.

“Who else has hurt you?” Spock asked in a quietly firm voice. “Tell me.”

“Do you know the name Kodos?”

Jim still refused to look at Spock, his voice barely above a whisper. This was the secret that no one could know, but suddenly Jim felt that if he did not speak the words, the memories would begin to eat him alive.

Spock’s forehead creased immediately with concern. He had excellent hearing, but surely, he had misunderstood Jim.

“Kodos?”

Jim nodded almost imperceptibly.

“I have read about him.” Spock said. “He was the governer of T...”

“Tarsus IV.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim opens up about one of his darkest secrets

Spock was silent for several seconds, trying to process Jim’s question. It did not relate to anything they had been discussing. The illogical change of subject was quite disconcerting.

“I do not understand, Jim.”

“I see him sometimes in my dreams.” Jim voice was quivering as he spoke, his eyes wide with a mix of unnamed emotions.

“I remember...”

Spock was still struggling to comprehend the words he was hearing. How could Jim know anything of Kodos or Taursus IV? He had lived out his childhood on Earth, in a small town in Iowa, had he not?

“You remember?”

Finally Jim seemed to come back to himself for a moment, and he looked at Spock, really seeing him this time.

“My mother was posted there by the Federation for a few months. I had one too many run ins with Frank and somebody finally reported one of my trips to the hospital.

“Hospital?”

Spock realized he seemed to be doing nothing but repeating words that Jim had already spoken. He found himself unable to do anything else, as his brain rushed to process what he was hearing.

“He tried come at Sam with a crow bar. Broke my arm instead. Guess my mom figured she’d better get us out of there before something really bad happened.” Kirk laughed mirthlessly, knowing how tragically ironic the decision to move her children to Taursus IV would prove to be.

“It was great at first. My mom’s aunt and uncle lived there. Had this little farm. Mom was supposed to stay for a couple of months with us but she couldn’t hang. God forbid she actually spend more than seven days straight with her kids...”

“How old were you?” Spock asked. His own voice was a nearly a whisper now.

“Fourteen? Almost fifteen.”

At Jim’s response, Spock suddenly saw in his mind, a teenaged Jim Kirk. His hair was a lighter blonde and he was thin, wearing an old flannel shirt and dirty jeans. He had the same ice blue eyes that Spock now knew so well, and he had already developed the cocky facade that was his armour against the rest of the world.

The pair sat silently for several minutes, with Jim doing nothing but holding Spock’s hand. Spock did not ask questions. He simply tried to send as much strength and support as he could to the man that he loved 

Jim smiled faintly as he allowed himself to talk about this hidden time in his life.

“We went to school, we worked on the farm a little. I couldn’t believe how nice it was to sit down at the dinner table and just talk. There was always food too. Mary was really a good cook. She said we were too skinny so she was always feeding us. It was great.”

As Jim spoke, Spock suddenly became aware that Jim’s stepfather had withheld food from the Kirk boys. Sometimes out of neglect, but most often as a punishment for some exagerrated or imagined offense.

“That is your aunt’s name?” Spock asked, trying to urge Jim to continue

“Huh?” Kirk was so deep in his own thoughts that he was surprised to hear the Vulcan’s voice in that moment. “Oh...yeah, Mary and Robert. They were really...really great.” 

Spock could see Jim blinking back tears and he squeezed the younger man’s hand tightly.

“When the crops failed, they said it would be ok. The Federation would come, and...it we’d be alright.” 

Kirk took a shaky breath, pressing on. “Everybody in the province we were in got word that we were going to be moved. They said it was so the governer’s council could get an idea of how many people needed help. Robert knew something was wrong. Our rations were running out but he didn’t want to go.”

Jim squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was experiencing physical pain, and Spock reached up to touch his back lightly. The touch seemed to force the rest of the words out of him.

“These men came to the house, they told us we had to go, right then. They argued with Uncle Robert. I remember he turned and looked at me and Sam...”

Spock said nothing, simply rubbing circles in the middle of Jim’s back as he sat hunched over on the bed.

“He told us to run. ‘Run Jimmy’...he said. And I did. I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could.”

Jim buried his head his hands, a broken sob escaping his lips.

Spock’s stomach twisted in knots. He knew the answer to his next question before he formed the words. He took a calming breath before he spoke

“Did your brother escape with you?”

“No.” Jim’s voice was hoarse with emotion. “They shot him in the back. They killed them all right there, and I just...I just kept running.”

Spock closed his eyes against the wave of emotion that he felt. Self-loathing and guilt from Jim, and a deep despair within himself. He was just beginning to comprehend what Jim Kirk had survived.

“Jim, you were a frightened child...”

“I was not a child. Not after everything I’d already been through. They took me in Spock! They took care of me, and loved...loved me.” The younger man’s voice broke and Spock felt hot tears behind his own eyes. 

“I didn’t try to help them..I just turned tail and ran. I left them there to die...”

“And how many others would have died if you had not escaped Jim? You surely would have been killed had you stayed there.” Spock gripped Jim’s shoulders tightly, forcing Kirk to look at him.

“My father is alive now because of you, as are all of the remaining members of the Vulcan high council. My mother’s planet, and your’s exists now because of what you have done. Please do not ask me to be sorry that you are here Jim. That is something I cannot do.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock comforts his husband, and intercepts another call from Jim's mother.

"Please do not ask me to be sorry that you are here Jim. That is something I cannot do.”

Spock held his mate’s gaze, his dark eyes intense with the conviction of his words. Suddenly Jim grabbed him and held on.

 

“I love you...” 

Kirk’s voice sounded broken and muffled against Spock’s shoulder. The older man wrapped both arms around Jim and held him tightly.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. Kwon-sum.” 

Spock whispered the Vulcan phrase into Jim’s ear, rocking him gently.

“Don’t leave me...please don’t me. ” The desperate plea caused Spock to still and pull Jim even closer to him.

“Never.”

“Promise me. You have to promise me Spock...” Jim hiccuped, and took a shaky breath, as the emotions he had buried for so long came to the surface.

“I swear it Ashaya.”

Spock moved until his forehead rested against his captain’s, and he brought a hand up to stroke the blonde’s damp, flushed cheek.

“Do you not understand how much I need you? I need you Jim.”

Kirk brought a hand up to grip Spock’s wrist, as if he was afraid the Vulcan would pull away from him. He leaned into the hand that continued to cup his cheek.

“I need the sound of your voice... I need to know that you are here with me, waiting for me at the beginning of every shift...at the end of each day. I need to feel you next to me as we sleep.”

Jim finally looked up at him, and the Vulcan smiled faintly, tenderly.

“I need your love Jim. As much as I need oxygen, and water. I cannot function without it.”

The couple gazed at each other for a long moment before Spock leaned closer, and captured Jim’s full lips with his own. The blonde melted into the kiss, all the tension in his body ebbing away.

Some time later, approximately 46.23 minutes later by Spock’s calculation, as he lay with Jim’s sleeping body wrapped around him, the comm sounded.

The Vulcan attributed his feeling of irritation to the fact that he had not had an opportunity to meditate in the last 36 hours. Normally, he meditated while Jim slept, but this evening his place was next to his T'hy'la.

The device buzzed a second time, as Spock slipped silently from the beneath the covers and padded over to the table. Seeing the number on the screen, he willed himself to remain calm. He answered the call, but left the video screen off.

“Commander Spock here.”

“Commander?” A hesitant female voice answered.

“Yes.”

“This is Winona Kirk...Jim’s mother.”

“I am aware of you identity.” Spock’s tone would have made his grandmother proud. His tone was completely devoid of emotion. Icy.

“Is Jim...”

“He is resting. I will inform him that you have called.” Spock reached to end the transmission. 

“Please...please wait Spock.”

Her use of his name surprised him. Spock hesitated, his finger hovering above a button. 

“Is he alright? When we spoke earlier he got a little upset.”

A little. A little upset. The human tendency to minimize situations, and use such general wording was tedious, almost nerve-wrecking.

“The Captain is adequate. I am sure he will appreciate your...concern.” 

Spock could not keep a small note of sarcasm from coloring his tone of voice in this response. Perhaps if Jim’s mother had shown more concern in times past, his mate would not have been brought to tears this evening.

“I would appreciate it if you would let him know that I’m worried about him.”

“Understood.” Once again Spock reached to terminate the call.

“Look Spock...”

Spock’s hand clenched into a fist, and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He wished fervently that this woman would cease speaking.

“I don’t know how much Jim has told you about...um...”

“Your son is my bondmate Madam. I believe I can say with all certainty that I know Jim better than anyone.”

There was a pause before the elder Kirk spoke again. Although a part of him did not wish to give her any information about his relationship with Jim, the greater part of Spock wanted to ‘stake his claim’ and protect Jim for all possible injury.

He supposed there was still something of his warrior ancestors left deep inside him.

“I’m sure that’s true. I’m glad he has someone like you. God knows he deserves it.” 

Winona’s tone was quiet. Since he could not see her facial expression, Spock was not sure what emotion he heard in her tone. He would have to take time to ponder this in meditation.

“Despite what you may think of me Mr Spock, I do love my son. I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way. Perhaps too many.”

Spock sat silently, considering his response. He did not know Winona Kirk, nor did he trust her, but he did believe that in her own, flawed way, she loved Jim.

“The New Year is approaching on Earth, is it not?”

“Yes...yes it is.”

“Perhaps this would be a good time to make some changes. Instead of waiting for Jim to come back to a place that holds many unhappy memories for him, you could resolve to come to him. I believe he would be amenable to that.”

There was a long period of silence, and Spock wondered if perhaps Jim’s mother had ended the comm call. When she spoke, he almost started in surprise.

“Thank you, Mr Spock. I hope you and Jim...I hope you have a Merry Christmas.” The older woman’s voice quivered, but she did not cry.

“I wish you the same Ma’am.”

 

Spock ended the call and took a deep breath. When he turned and rose from the chair he’d been sitting in, a pair of blue eyes gazed up at him from the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally posted the next chapter. My apologies to anyone who is still reading. Will add the last chapter shortly.
> 
>  
> 
> Taluhk nash-veh k'dular. Kwon-sum = I cherish thee. Always.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock finally get to have their own little Christmas celebration. They aren't my OTP, but I do love this story!! Hope you have enjoyed it too! Who knows, maybe I'll do a sequel next Christmas!!

Spock’s eyes widened in surprise.

“I am sorry Ashayam. I did not mean to disturb you.”

Jim simply smiled and patted the side of the bed that Spock had left vacant. The Vulcan stood and walked the short distance back to where Jim lay waiting. Kirk did not speak until his mate was once again settled beside him.

“Thanks for talking to her.” he said, his voice still rough with sleep.

“I am only doing as I told you I would, K’diwa.”

The younger man felt his heart swell as it always did when Spock used these Vulcan endearments. It was something special and secret that the two of them shared.

“I know, but...thanks anyway.”

Jim laid his head on Spock’s shoulder, and the Vulcan allowed himself to be pulled closer, giving a sigh of contentment as Jim arranged himself in a more comfortable position. 

Jim Kirk was a “cuddler”. This human custom of cuddling was something that Spock did not understand, but he realized quickly that it was something he quite enjoyed, though he was loathe to admit this fact out loud.

“Do you need to meditate?” 

Spock raised his eyebrows in surprise at the random question.

“I had not thought to do so at this time.”

“It’s ok if you do. A talk with my mom could send Ghandi over the edge...”

“I found her to be rather...subdued.” 

Spock thought for another moment before speaking again. “I am adequate Jim. More than adequate.” He punctuated the statement by turning toward his mate and placing a kiss on his forehead.

 

“This is the best Christmas ever.” Jim sighed happily.

In the next moment he burrowed his face into Spock’s neck and chuckled. “I can feel the eyebrow raise from here. Penny for your thoughts.”

“I don’t understand your statement Jim. It is...”

“Ooh...the eyebrow and a contraction!” 

Jim moved to rest his chin on Spock’s bare chest, one arm wrapped securely around the Vulcan’s waist.

“Why are you suddenly less than adequate Spock?” Jim’s grin illuminated the darkness.

“I do not understand how you can define this as the ‘best Christmas ever’.”

Jim had to hide his amused surprise at Spock’s correct use of air quotes around the phrase.

“You have spent most of this evening in a state of extreme emotional distress...”

“I wouldn’t say extreme...” Kirk back peddled

“I have seen you in tears on three separate occasions in the span of a few hours, Jim. Is there another word that you would use?”

Jim let out a sigh. “Sorry. Sorry for being such a mess.”

“I understand your reaction to the events of the evening.” Spock scooted up and propped himself against the pillows, and Jim did the same.

“But even given the fact that your experiences with holidays in the past was...not ideal...how can you qualify this one in such a superlative manner?”

Kirk smiled indulgently at the confused Vulcan by his side.

“Because...I’m with you.”

Spock’s mouth dropped open in surprise. He could think of nothing to say in response. 

“I don’t care if it sounds cheesy, or illogical.” Jim rolled his blue eyes before smiling again, “It’s true.”

“Jim...” Spock took hold of Jim’s hand, but the younger man continued.

“Can I just...just let me say this...” he took a breath before continuing.

“Tonight before you came down to the rec room, I sat there watching everybody else, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. Everything looked great, there was plenty to eat, everybody was in a good mood...all of that in conjunction with a holiday is totally foreign to me.” 

Jim paused and shook his head.

“Holidays usually meant somebody getting drunk, arguing, fighting, not having enough money or...” Jim suddenly stopped, trying to clear his head of old memories.

“Anyway, when I walked in here, it was like every Christmas fantasy I’ve ever had, and the best part, the most important part...” Jim felt his eyes tear up a little but he didn’t try to hide it. 

“Is that I have somebody who loves me, who really loves me, and we have a home here, together. I know it’s just our quarters, but for me...”

“It is home.” Spock finished the sentence quietly, his fingers lacing with Jim’s.

“Yeah.”

Spock bowed his head, and when he looked back at Jim, his eyes were soft and glistening.

“Since the death of my mother...and my planet, I too have come to consider this as our home. There is nowhere I would rather be.”

Jim smiled, and ran his thumb over Spock’s palm in a light caress.

“I once asked my mother if she missed living on Earth. I knew she must certainly feel like an outsider living in a world so different from her own. She told me ‘Home is where the heart is, and my heart is here.’ ”

“I did not understand her at the time, but now...the meaning is very clear.”

Spock looked at Jim, and though his mouth barely twitched at the corner, his eyes smiled.

“It does not matter where we are JIm, as long as we are together.” He pulled Jim close then, and hugged him tightly. “I do cherish Thee above all else in the Universe.”

“I love you too.” Jim replied softly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Do you think I could open my present now? Otherwise, I can’t make any promises about not crying again.”

Spock made a soft chuckling sound, and let go of the man in his arms. He moved off the bed and opened a drawer of the desk that he used in their quarters. 

He pulled out the package that Jim had seen on the bed earlier. As he got back in bed, he gave the command for the lights in the room to come up a bit.

 

Jim bounced up and down excitedly at the sight of the package. 

“It’s not Christmas until day after tomorrow, but I have something for you too.”

He leaned over and pulled open the drawer of his nightstand, producing a package in similar size and shape to the one that Spock had for him. It was wrapped somewhat haphazardly in dark blue paper.

Spock eyed the package hesitantly, one brow moving up toward his hairline.

“I’m not the best at wrapping, but I promise you’ll like it. At least, I hope so.”

Spock took the gift and set it in his lap.

“Would you like to go first Jim?”

“Can I?” Kirk asked, sounding for all the world like a 12 year old kid.

“Please. I must admit I am rather anxious for you to see your gift.”

Jim glanced up at his bondmate with a smile, and then tore into the carefully wrapped package. When he pulled back the paper and saw the images in the two-sided, sleek silver frame, his eyes widened as he gasped in surprise.

“Spock...when did...” Jim’s voice caught a little as he spoke. He couldn’t finish the sentence.

Spock leaned a bit closer and surveyed the photos. 

“The image on the right was taken the day of our bonding. The one on the left, right after your captaincy ceremony.” 

Kirk recognized the setting of both images. He had photos from both days saved, but he’d never taken the time to actually frame any of them. Seeing them now, knowing that Spock had taken the time to choose these two in particular, brought back all of the memories and emotions of both of those special days.

In one, he stood proudly in his dress uniform, his arm around Spock, who was wearing dark Vulcan robes, bearing the symbols of his family’s house. 

Jim displayed a huge smile, happiness radiating from his face. Spock’s head was turned slightly to the side, and he was gazing...actually gazing...at Jim. The corner of his mouth was turned up in only the ghost of a smile, but there was no mistaking the look of love on his face. As if he was the lucky one.

The second image was one of Kirk, on the steps of Starfleet Academy, once again wearing his dress uniform and a big smile.

Spock stood to his right, looking the part of a Starfleet officer, with his cap pulled low over his eyes. Jim saw Chris sitting in that wheelchair to his left, looking so proud he was about to burst. Jim thought about Pike all the time, but seeing his face now, it was even harder to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. 

He looked at the other familiar faces there, and smiled. There was Bones, with a wide, genuinely happy smile next to Spock, and Nyota, Sulu and Pavel next to Pike. They were all so important to him. They had seen him at his worst, and helped him to be the commanding officer that they deserved. They were his family.

Jim held the frame tightly in his hands, and found himself at a loss for words.

“I hope they are to your liking Jim.”

Jim laughed, the sound coming out more like a croak, since he was trying so hard to keep it together. 

“I love it Spock.” he risked a glance at the Vulcan sitting next to him, and ignored the tear that fell from his lashes. 

“Thank you.” Jim whispered the words as he pulled Spock close in a fierce embrace. 

After a moment, Jim loosened his hold, and glanced down at the unopened package between them.

“Your turn.” he pushed the package closer to the Vulcan.

Spock once again turned the wrapped object over in his hands.

“Go on and open it.” Jim’s eyes twinkled with excitement.

The corner of Spock’s mouth twitched in his version of a grin, as he carefully peeled back the paper.

As he discarded it, the Vulcan stared at the gift in his hands, looking at an image of his mother and himself.

His fingers traced the Vulcan hieroglyphs that had been etched into the black frame. They were the same symbols that graced the robe he had worn at his bonding. After a moment, he looked up at Jim, his mouth opened in silent surprise. 

“I had it made specially...” Jim explained, answering the question that Spock did not give voice to.  
Spock tilted his head as he looked at his mother. “How did you obtain this photo?”

“Your dad sent it to me. He found it with some things he was unpacking and...” Kirk shrugged, gesturing to the picture with a smile.

Spock gazed at the image again. It had been taken during his last trip to Vulcan, on a break from the Academy. He had stayed with his parents for a week, and even though he and his father were barely on speaking terms at the time, he had greatly enjoyed the time he spent with his mother and grandmother. Sarek had taken the picture at Amanda’s insistence, who stated that she needed a more recent photo of her son to grace the entryway of their home.

In the photo, Amanda stood hugging Spock close to her, her brown eyes twinkling with a bit of mischief as she smiled for the camera. Spock stood with an arm somewhat awkwardly around his petite mother, looking at her with what could best be described as slightly exasperated amusement. 

He had treated that last visit so...casually...for lack of a better word. As he swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in his throat, Jim spoke.

“She was really beautiful...your mom.”

Spock nodded, not sure that he could speak at that moment.

“You have her eyes.” Jim continued, rubbing his hand in slow circles on Spock’s back.

“That is something that I was reminded of quite often as I grew up. For years, I had a very illogical desire to change that aspect of my appearance.” 

Spock let out a shaky breath as Jim watched him touch the image in the picture with his finger tips. 

“Now I would give anything to have her here...just for a short while.”

Kirk saw the unshed tears in Spock’s eyes, and feared he had misjudged the affect that the photo would have.

“I’m sorry Spock. I didn’t mean to...”

Spock shook his head, and turned to look at Jim, his hand reaching out once again to touch the younger man.

“I have another illogical wish.” he whispered.

“What’s that?” Jim laced his fingers with Spock’s once again.

“I wish that she could see me as I am now.”

“Now?”

“She always said that it did not matter to her what I chose as my career, or what path I took, as long as I was happy.”

Kirk swallowed, as unbidden emotion welled up in his chest.

“I am happy Jim. More so than I ever thought possible, because of you.”

Jim lowered his gaze, and blinked the tears out of his eyes. Spock leaned forward just then, and their lips met in a tender kiss.

“Merry Christmas” Jim whispered, his blue eyes alight with happiness.

“Merry Christmas Jim.”

**Author's Note:**

> sufganiyot - a Jewish dessert served at Hanakkah - a sort of jelly doughnut.
> 
> This was my first Star Trek Fanfic - originally posted at FanFiction.net. If it's not obvious from the first chapter, this was written around Christmas time. There will be a total of 11 chapters, with a mention of childhood trauma, violence and child abuse in later chapters.
> 
> Hope you enjoy


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